Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday

I found a new blog today called Things I Can't Say.  Great blog.  She does a meme on Wednesday called "Pour Your Heart Out," in which bloggers can post things in their lives that are usually difficult to share.  I'd like to start participating, and use this blog rather than Cookingmom as I do for other memes.  I actually wrote this first on Cookingmom, but I'm reposting for this meme.

"You don't care about me!"  (I care, very much)

"I hate you."

"You love the girls more than you love me!" (Not true)

"I need money.  My hours were cut again." (Again?  *sigh*)

"Don't call my mom about my homework - she beats me!" (Big NO)

"Daddy tried to strangle me when I was with him last weekend!" (Bigger NO)

Every heard of Borderline Personality Disorder?  My oldest daughter Sarah was (finally) diagnosed with it a couple weeks ago.  I have known all her life that there was something going on, but it's so hard to explain to people who don't have experience with it.  But it's a big part of why I suffer from depression and anxiety.

I found this article recently, and realized that right now I'm in the second and third stages, having lived all of Sarah's life in stage one.  I'm lucky that I now have support from my family, and have gotten awesome encouragement from my friends since I recently "came out" to them with my situation.

It's hard being the mom of someone who has a mental illness.  And although I've known since she was a toddler that there was something wrong, and I knew a few years ago it was more than likely BPD, it still freaks me out to have a mental illness diagnosed and confirmed.  But this is a mental illness where the sufferer must help him or herself.  I need to help myself get my physical, emotional and mental health back to a good state or I'm no good to Sarah or anybody else in my family.  The BPD has taken its toll in a big way on me over the past 20 years.

Right now, I am "split black," which means at this moment, I am not one of Sarah's favorite people.  I'm sure at some point in the future I will be "split white" again, but I can't concern myself any longer with how Sarah views me.  Nothing I say or do will convince her once and for all that I do love her, I do care about her and I want her to be healthy and happy.  I just need to make my peace with that somehow.


VandyJ said...

It's so hard to see some one you love going through something like that and not be able to help--even harder when it is your child. I hope things get better.

Shell said...

What a difficult thing to have to deal with!

Glad that you shared today and linked up!

The Drama Mama said...

I have to agree with you that loving and mothering a child (especially a daughter) with a mental disorder, no matter WHAT title, is extremely difficult. I know you are new to my blog (The Scoop on Poop) but I have a post about my daughter's diagnosis. She has ADHD/Mood Disorder-NOS. I, too, knew since she was a baby that something was up. I just never expected the mood disorder. Big hugs to you. This is a tough life, but we are even tougher, which is why we are the moms. ;)

Glad you found me.

My daughter's story:

Brittney said...

that's definitely got be hard to cope with, but yall will get thru it (hugs)

Naturally Single Mom said...

Found you through Shell. :)

For a few months, my not-yet-ex-husband's psych thought he might have BPD (and reading the symptoms, I agreed.) To my knowledge, he still doesn't have an official diagnosis (though, in my head, sociopath pretty much covers it), I remember all too well how stressful it was to deal with his ups and downs.

I can't even imagine having to do it with a child. Hugs to you!